i've cut people off, i've burned bridges, i've crossed lines that can't be uncrossed. i've been left distraught, or heartbroken, or depressed. i've known people who have died. yet in 23 years of living, i don't think i've truly experienced loss until this week.

i'd known her for more than half of my conscious existence. i'd known her for so long that i can't even remember exactly when we met. she had been an unchanging constant in my life for over a decade. we connected with each other through youth ministry, alongside a handful of other kids i wish i'd stayed in better touch with, and every sunday we'd talk about some vaguely biblical topic and share our insights and our thoughts and our feelings with each other. she was one of those people that just radiate genuininess, who are always being the best they can be, who seem to have boundless love and compassion for others, even for maladjusted, insecure, awkward, frequently miserable teenagers (such as my past self). our youth group took a 10-day trip to scotland a few years back, full of group actvities and introspective discussions, and it just kind of cemented this idea in my head that these people were family to me, and that no matter how far apart we drifted, my door would always be open to them, and vice versa.

she moved to alabama for school, became an ER nurse, got a cat, met a guy. she was living her dream. every so often we'd talk about recent happings in our lives or shoot each other silly messages. and now she's dead. an aneurysm. it still doesn't feel real. how is that fucking fair?

i can't imagine how her family and closest friends feel. i dont even really know how i feel. mostly been in shock. every so often a little anger or a little fear or a little crushing despair leaks through. im normally a very positive and optimistic person but its hard to think about any of this without just feeling sick or venomous thoughts. ive been sitting here in front of my computer for two hours just trying to write anything and i can barely do so. i just freeze up. every ten minutes or so a sentence leaks out.

i love my friends more than anything. i'm not really particularly religious but in this moment i feel truly powerless. all i can do is hope and pray nothing happens to them. goodnight